I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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