By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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