I CAN MOONWALK!
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
