I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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