I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Randomize