I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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