LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.