My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
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I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
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Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..