Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator