alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
She told me I should be a condom model.
These 19 Guys Hit The Cougar Jackpot
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.