I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
21 Dirty Secrets From Bachelor/Bachelorette Parties That Have Destroyed Marriages
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?