there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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