New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
