The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
