Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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