Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
i now understand why vodka
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