Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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