I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Randomize
