Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
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Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
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I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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