Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
