I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I just forgot I was standing up.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
