She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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