while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
