a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
