I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
