i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
My feet surprised me
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