just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Randomize
