She announced her abortion via fbk
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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