Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
