I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
