when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
ttyl tear gas
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
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