So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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