I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
