Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
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Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
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Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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