Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
