Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
