Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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