I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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