i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
