I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
