He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
i love accidental penises.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
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Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
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There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
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