Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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