WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
