I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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