First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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