I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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