he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
