When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
