he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
