Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
