I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
you will always have a special place in my vag
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
