he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Randomize