so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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