If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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