My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
you win again, gameday.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
