At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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