Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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