The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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