the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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