we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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