Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
