Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
MIDGETS
????
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
