Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
