i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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